The Perfect Robot

Babu Gopal

While working in my team, I came across some very interesting discoveries about how to manage the people.

See here it goes …(no offence meant as many references are taken from person to person)

Behave like a robot, with triggered events (and think of every event as a threat to the project). Refer to the code below and follow up accordingly
Target recipients list fixed.
System.out.println() , are the statements to speak.


If (PR Comes){
Send a mail to the concerned person to start working on PR, mail should end with “Get back to me incase of any clarification”
Then go to desk and instruct orally also.
System.out.println(“We need to start working on” + prNumber + “.Come up with initial analysis and try to reproduce the PR post lunch” + random_variable_String + “Makes sure” + random_variable_String + “As such”);

if(PR is normal priority){
Consider it as a high Priority PR and ask for status update every 47minutes.
Remind the developer that we need to deliver the code ASAP
}

if(PR is high priority){
Consider it as a project threat and ask for status update every 12th minute.
Call a 1-hour meeting twice a day and instruct the developer to improve the understanding of PR.
Need any clarification, call ONC right now.
Code should be given post lunch as the review/testing could be initiated AS SUCH regardless of the understanding.
System.out.println(“Make sure” + random_variable_String + “As such” );
}

If(The concerned person is not online ){
Ping the person nearby to message the concern person to get online.
}

If (Sametime is not working){
Call a 2-hour meeting to decide on estimates and ensuring some useless things.
Timesheets of course.
}

If (month ends) {
Book the rooms and inform everybody with precise details.
} //Note-Ensure from next time books the room that has working tie line connection.

If (Time == “04.35.54 PM” Friday){
Ping everybody for timesheets.
}

If (Time == “04.45.23 PM” Friday){
Manually go to desk to remind about timesheets.
System.out.println(“Timesheets”);
}

If (Anyone crack a joke){
Take every joke seriously.
Think about how it will impact the project and what happen if
Do a impact analysis of joke (…u no ;) a threat to the project)…
System.out.println(“Guys , guys guys , back to business , management is looking into this”);
}

If (In a technical discussion){
Try{
Show that you are very technically strong, and give suggestion (no matter how useless they are).
Reframe the sentence just said in other words and spill it out to show your understanding.
(Don forget to add ‘AS SUCH’ in the end of sentence)

For (int i =0; i<100 ; i++)
System.out.println(“Make sure” + random_variable_String + “As such” );
}
catch(Always Exception){
Input understanding is always out of logical range.
}
finally{
Conclude on very useless point.
}
}

If (Any one in the team seems not working){
Assign him/her some useless fruitless task. (E.g. Take training/initiative, Read LGD, prepare a module document [which nobody reads], Oversee the juniors etc.)
}

If (MQ Down){
Call ONC and let him know, so that when he arrive office he must know in advance that the MQ was down and can take immediate measures to make it up so that the project threat should be minimized blah blah blah blah ……. think as far as possible
}


If (FR/PR discussion go more technical){
Call ONC in his cell no and awake for solving the queries.
}

If (Nothing to do){
Call a meeting.
Remind about timesheet.
}


If (attending a training session){
Mail everyone to contact on cell no XXXXXX in case of any emergencies.
}

If (going on leave){
Call a short meeting to discuss unimportant points and most important TIMESHEETS
}


//Mother of all questions
If (Leave request){
System.out.println(“Cant be given”);
Calculate project threat.
Try to suggest some useless date.
If(user insist){
System.out.println(“I need to talk to S****”);
Delay(1 day);
System.out.println(“S***** said it is not possible as such on a short notice” + random_variable_String + “As such”);
}

if(reasons asked){
System.out.println(“Any important PR can be assigned”);
System.out.println(“We may need to prepare a DoU if any critical PR arrives”);
System.out.println(“random_variable_String + “As Such”);
}
}